Not Just a Pesky Little Cult
by Minuit Mystique
Summary: Alanna is angry at Jon for sending her to deal with what she sees as a 'pesky little cult' calling itself Twilight. Written just for laughs on Goldenlake, @ fiefgoldenlake dot proboards dot com.


**A/N:** Written (just for laughs) for Goldenlake - a Tamora Pierce Discussion Board. Head over to **fiefgoldenlake[dot]proboards[dot]com** for more fun.

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**Not Just a Pesky Little Cult **

"Jon, this is absurd." Alanna charged into the King's study and slammed the door. "You want me to take care of a pesky little cult?" she waved the piece of parchment under his nose.

"It is not a 'pesky little cult,' as you call it." Jon stood up from behind his desk and looked down at his Champion. "This new cult, the cult of Twilight, is rapidly becoming a menacing threat to Tortall."

"Curse it Jon!" Alanna swore. "What have I done wrong this time? I'm your Champion. Why have I been reduced to chasing miscreants?"

"Because you are my champion and I need you." Jon's voice was firm. "These cultists are dangerous. The members of the cult call themselves Twilards."

"Twilards?" Alanna snorted. "What sort of a name is that?"

"That is not the point." Jonathan glared at Alanna. "If I may continue without interruption …" Alanna rolled her eyes and sat down. Jon continued, "As I was saying, this Twilight cult worships the entity Edward, and his wife Bella. They go around drinking blood!"

"It's just animal blood," Alanna interrupted, "if what you wrote in here is correct." Again, she waved the order from Jon she received earlier that morning.

"Tell that to the hundreds of people who have written complaints about losing their livestock and pets!" Jon waved his arm across the mountain of parchment and scrolls on his desk. Alanna seriously doubted that those parchments were complaints from people losing livestock. "Or shall I tell Daine that you don't think animal deaths are worth bothering with?" Jon looked positively gleeful at that suggestion.

"Mithros, Jon, that's not fair." The Lioness winced. "I don't need to be worrying about whether my warhorses are going to turn on me." She resigned herself to the inevitable. "So who is this Edward character?"

"Well, his real name is Lord Robert of Pattinson. All the cultists are so in love with him that if they hear anyone insulting Lord Robert, they attack."

"What's so special about this Lord Robert then?" Alanna asked.

"That's the problem," Jon frowned, "the man appears to have no discernible Gift whatsoever. And yet he has the inexplicable ability to make women fall in love with him in less time than it takes to blink an eye. I've also received countless letters from angry husbands, claiming their wives have fallen under a love spell for this Edward, or Lord Robert, or whatever you want to call him."

"Well if he has no Gift, then he must have help." Alanna said. "And couldn't you get someone else to deal with this? Numair and Daine perhaps? Seeing as how the complaints are about love spells and animal deaths?" Alanna suggested hopefully.

"Nice try Champion." Jon smirked. "But there is more important than just stopping one man. The cult is rapidly spreading across all of Tortall, and is becoming more and more aggressive. The Kingdom must take a stand against this sort of conduct. Starting cults can lead to very serious consequences. Just look how much trouble that Zombie Roger of Conte cult that rose up a few years ago caused." Jon shuddered. "I need you as the Champion, to represent the Kingdom and myself, and be seen to be taking a stand against this sort of thing. I will not tolerate civil unrest in my kingdom."

"I still don't understand why I have to personally take care of it." Alanna grumbled. "You could send the King's Own, or the Lord Provost, or a number of equally worthy knights of the realm; or yourself, if you're so keen to take a stand against this sort of thing." The Lioness challenged.

"Mithros, Mynoss and Shakith." Jon's fist crashed down on the table, toppling stacks of scrolls and parchments. "Alanna, Thayet said she thought that Lord Robert was cute! Cute!" Jon roared.

_Now we've gotten to the real reason, _Alanna thought to herself. Rubbing her temples, the King's Champion sighed, and accepted her fate. "Fine Jon, I'll take care of it." The Lioness stood up and made a point of loosening her sword in its scabbard before bowing to the King, and walking out.

"Thank you my friend ..." She barely heard the whispered words as she closed the door to the King's personal study.


End file.
